Rationalizing Fornication

Pimpin’ ain’t easy.

Young Christian men have it especially hard. Not only must you navigate earthly bitch shields, you have to fight through the last minute resistance of God Himself. You must pass the shit tests of his beloved Son. You must invite the Holy Spirit upstairs to your apartment, so that it may sample some of your finest tap water, but only for a minute because you have to wake up early tomorrow.

I am presently withholding judgement on the question of whether or not the bible actually condemns pre-marital sex. Depending on how you interpret various scriptures, and which Greek-English dictionary you happen to have lying around, the bible may or may not give contemporary Christian men some wiggle room that allows some compromise between God and Game.

In this post, I offer my best attempts to rationalize the peaceful coexistence of the two. If I’m right: Christian men, go forth and seduce. If I’m wrong, I hope learned men such as Dalrock, Bruce Charlton, Koanic Soul, Vox Day, Bonald, The Gentleman Poet, Patriactionary, Ulysses and ballista will set us straight. Without further ado:

Rationalization #1

Banging a non-virgin woman with a condom doesn’t violate the biblical injunction against adultery, because you’re not actually going to adulterate any of her children. Non-procreative sex upholds the spirit, if not the letter, of the biblical injunction against adultery.

Rationalization #2

You are free to assume that any woman you bang is a virgin. If you make the (shocking!) post-coital discovery that she is not, let Deuteronomy 22 be your guide and divorce he:

13 If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her,

14 And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid:

15 Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel’s virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate:

16 And the damsel’s father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her;

17 And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter’s virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city.

18 And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him;

19 And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.

20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:

21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

(Note that Jesus would likely prefer that you delete her number, rather than cast the first stone.)

Rationalization #3

In the time of Christ, marriageable women abounded. Those men who sought, found them. The world we live in is different, and requires different coping strategies. Consider Matthew 19:

“And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

10 His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.

11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.

12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.”

Can you bear to live as a eunuch? I can’t. So, this word is not for me. In a simpler time, I would be obligated to find a virgin bride and marry her. But these days, virgin brides don’t exactly grow on trees . So what’s a modern Christian man to do? I suggest: Make an honest and dedicated effort to finding and marrying one of the few remaining decent Christian women. But while that search is ongoing… a man has needs.

Rationalization #4

Ephesians 5:5 warns against whoremongering. But perhaps there is some acceptable level of whoring that qualifies a man as a dabbler, rather than a monger-er of whores. Since most contemporary American women are best viewed as whores with poor negotiating skills, we have a free pass to occasionally taste their wares, so long as we don’t let our pursuit of them cross the line from idle hobby to all-consuming obsession.

Rationalization #5

Christian sexual morality only applies to Christian women. Outsiders are fair game. I believe the Koran states this for Muslim men. (Either that, or my Muslim friends are also expert rationalizers.) Does the bible contain any indication that its decrees on sexual morality are void when it concerns non-Christian women? The Add Comment button is below and to your left.

And finally, the single best rationalization for the modern Christian man who would like to spend his salad years playing the field before he settles down, is this:

Every man must learn how to play the Two Games. This requires exposing himself to the temptations of the flesh. If a Christian man eventually marries a non-adulteress and spends the rest of his life doing his duty as a husband, father, provider, and follower of Christ, perhaps he will be forgiven some youthful indiscretions – especially if those indiscretions were a critical foundation to his education as a man, and as a Christian.