Living At Home Is Way Cool

This is a guest post I originally submitted to The Lost Art of Self-Preservation. Please read and comment on it there.

If you’re young and live in the same city as your parents, you should seriously consider moving back in with them.

I’m almost twenty-six years old. I live with my Dad and it’s great. I have zero plans to move out any time soon. My choice isn’t one that everyone can make, but if moving back in with Mom and/or Dad is an option, you’re a fool if you dismiss the idea out of hand.

Consider the huge advantages of living at home. Between rent, bills and food, you’ll save $2-3000 a month compared to living a comfortable yuppie lifestyle, and ~$1000 a month compared to living a starving student lifestyle. Also, your parents probably have a car, so there’s another $500-1000/month in lease, repairs, insurance (being a secondary driver is much cheaper) and other car-related costs.

If you have a low-paying job, your only alternative to staying at home is to live like a bum and have zero savings. If you have a good job, living at home means an extra $30,000 in your bank account at the end of each year.

Then there are the non-financial benefits. These will be different for everyone, but for me:

– My father cooks all the time (and most of it is Paleo-friendly). Our fridge is always filled with leftover pot roasts, chilis, and hunks of meat. This saves me 3-5 hours of food prep time every week.

– I get to hang out with a crazy, fun, energetic dog while only having to take him out for a run whenever I feel like it.

– Living in an apartment would be a pain in the ass with my skis, bike, and sweaty hockey equipment

So what about the drawbacks?

Well, I live in the suburbs. This is great when I want to walk through my backyard and go for a run through a forest, but I would like to live somewhere more central. Sometimes I’d rather have the privacy of living solo (although in a big house with just my father and I, it’s not much of an issue.) Lastly, I may be nice to have around at times, but I also realize that I am imposing on my father to some extent.

These are all valid objections, but it’s clear that the pros far outweigh the cons. Of course, I’ve left out one big one.

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What the hell do I do when I want to bring a girl home?

Simply, I don’t.

I only date women who have their own apartments. Or, awkwardly, girls who live at home but with stupid and/or sexually liberal parents.

Doesn’t that make me a selfish parasite? Sure. But haven’t you heard? Selfishness is in. Parasitism is the new pink. Rule #1 of living at home: Always keep a stable of regulars with comfortable, centrally-located apartments.

So what do I do when I meet a pretty girl and she lives with her parents or judgemental roommates? I convince her to invite me over anyway. Occasionally, I’ll invite her over to my place, since my father doesn’t even really care – I just consider it a bit rude, and unnecessary. When two people want to bang, logistics have a way of taking care of themselves.

But aren’t girls turned off by my living situation? Nope. At least, rarely. Lots of girls (and guys) like to tease me about it. But few girls actually lose attraction, and once I explain my reasons, the fact that I’m doing something smart and unconventional is hot. Party girls who just want to fuck don’t give a shit about your apartment, and they’ll like that you don’t give a shit either. You’re appealing to their lust for an unemployed but interesting bum (even if you have a job). Good girls will admire you for bucking the conventional wisdom, saving money for your (Cue hamster wheel: “OUR!!!??!”) future, and staying close to your family.

And staying close to your family is, believe it or not, a good thing over and above the fact that it moistens panties. My father is one of my best friends, and it’s nice to see him on the 3-4 days per week that I sleep at home. I’ve taught him a thing or two about yoga, weight training, paleo eating and, believe it or not, Game, and the old man still has a few lessons to teach me as well.

One of the worst evils of our postmodern age is the gradual breakdown of family and friendship, the destruction of the social bonds that hold us together. The cultural stigma against adults living with their parents is just one small front in a culture war that seeks to tear us apart at the seams. Reaping the benefits of living with your parents – and paying them back when their age advances, their health declines, and you are their only alternative to a cold, gray nursing home – is a small act of rebellion against those who wish to rob that from us.