Eyes forward

I think I’ve established where I’m coming from on this blog. Briefly: Twenty-five-year-old office drone decides he hates work, routine and the boring middle-aged man he is on track to become. Decides he is tired of anesthetizing his soul with evenings and weekends soaked in booze, sluts and self-loathing. Step one is always admitting you have a problem.

But what’s step two? Discovering that I’m not happy with who I am has been cathartic. Writing it all down has helped me clarify my thinking. Sooner or later though, remaking my life is going to require actually doing something.  Today’s post is going to clarify what my goals are, and how I plan to achieve them. I’d rather not make a boring list with subtitles like “be rich” and “smash a ton of hot vag”, so I’ll do an exercise that I first read about in The Art of Non-Conformity: Describing my perfect day.

9:00ish AM – I awake, cool and naked under ten-thousand dollar sheets on a king size bed. To my left and right, are several beautiful, sweet, intelligent, women, at least one of whom I am madly in love with. We begin the day, just the four or five of us, by making sweet sweet love.

10:00ish AM – I eat a large breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, juice and coffee. Every ingredient is of the absolute highest quality. My servants clean up after me, while I spend the meal in light, flirtatious conversation with my ladies. When we are done, they each kiss me on the cheek and beg to see me again soon. I smirk and tussle their hair.

11:00ish AM – I sit down with my laptop in a quiet, open-air cafe, sipping coffee that is somehow even finer than what I had for breakfast. I write columns, blog posts and youtube video comments that make millions laugh until they hurt, and then weep like little girls with skinned knees. I inspire, entertain, and inform, all at a pace of 90 words per minute. My words win me fame, prestige, the adoration of millions, and more money than I could ever hope to spend.

2:00ish PM – My destination for the afternoon is a museum, concert hall, library, theatre or strip club. Whichever it is, I go there with several brilliant and like-minded friends to expand our minds and souls. Together, we explore the limits of human achievement, ingenuity and flexibility.

5:00ish PM – I dress and warm up for the night’s hockey game. We are the only NHL team that plays every night, plays every game at home, and has a rotating schedule of where “home” is depending on where in the world I feel like living.

8:00ish PM – Celebratory pints and 72-oz steaks. We always win.

9:00ishPM – I spend the night at the bar I own, playing a variety of instruments with the band half the time, drinking, laughing and hitting on women with my friends for the other half.

Midnightish – Come home with 3-5 beautiful women, at least one of whom I am madly in love with. Make sweet sweet love before passing out in a tangle of sweaty limbs.

*The End*

You may ask, what was the point of that? Why waste time writing down a bunch of unrealistic goals? My answer is, they aren’t unrealistic goals. With the exception of a few exaggerations for comedic effect, everything in that ideal itinerary is well within my grasp. I can create a life very much like that described above, if I choose to. I can get paid to write and play music. I can surround myself with awesome girls. I can… OK, maybe it’s a little late for the NHL. But I can play the sports that I love all the time, and at a more competitive level than I do now.

Most importantly, I can free myself from the constraints that are imposed on my life right now by the nine-to-five routine. I don’t know how I’m going to get from where I am to what I described above. But that’s OK. Step 2 is just admitting to yourself that it’s possible.