Ask An Asshole: Round 1

Even I was a little bit surprised at the rapid and positive response I’ve received to Freedom Twenty-Five’s Ask An Asshole initiative. Mere hours after posting my offer to the blogosphere’s young ladies, Katie of Date Me DC responded with the subtext-dripping comment:

“So, you are writing to ask me if I will let you blog on my blog?”

To which I answer: No. I already have a blog of my own, with a cool header and everything. But I am interested in blogging about your blog, because I find the entire trainwreck that is the modern dating scene fascinating. Date Me DC is a good example of everything that’s wrong with the modern urban, single, young-ish woman’s approach to men.

Readers who aren’t Katie, here’s a good post of hers to start with: The Precipice of Spinsterhood.

“You see, Megs and I — as well as a plethora of our other fabulous female friends — find ourselves in a precarious and perplexing position: We’re cute. We’re smart. We’re articulate, well-traveled (her more so than me), energetic, fun and down to explore. And yet, at 29 and 28, respectively, we are still single — standing on 30′s lonely doorstep — with ZERO reasonable prospects.

In the past, we would have resorted to self-flagellation — “What is wrong with me?” we may have asked through tears and a bottle of pinot. “Why aren’t there any guys who want to stick around?”

But over Saturday’s chocolate chip pancakes, Megan K. and I flipped the script:

It’s not us. It’s them.

You read the second paragraph I wrote. There’s nothing wrong with us! Sure, we’ve got myriad flaws just like any other person on this planet, but there’s nothing so major there as would send anyone running for the hills to return with torches and pitchforks.

It is NOT us. It’s you people — you men and your wayward penises. Megs and I have spent enough time with you all to come to the depressingly stark conclusion that at our ages, there are simply no acceptable men to date.

It’s a strange phenomenon that slowly builds as you enter your late 20s/early 30s as a woman. We are watching the window of opportunity inch toward closed because from our vantage point, there is literally something entirely undateable about every single man we meet.”

So Katie. And I suppose, Megs. You claim there is something undateable about literally every man you meet. What would you say to a friend, who told you that every movie ever made was unwatchable? Every dish, inedible? Every job, unbearable? Probably, you would tell them to develop more realistic standards towards movies, food and jobs.

So why not follow the same advice yourself with regard to men? Let me answer that for you.

1) Settling is for chumps. Kate (and Megs) are no chumps!

2) There really are lots of great movies, tasty meals, awesome jobs, and good men out there in the world. Holding each to a high standard and being willing to shop around for the best will make for a better life than casually accepting mediocrity.

3) Finding love is not about making cold cost-benefit calculations, assessing your “market value” etc. It’s about finding someone you feel a spark with, seeing if they feel it too, and then figuring out if your goals and lives align enough so that you have a future together. All you need is Love! Daaa da da da da daaaa.

Anyways. That’s what you’ve been taught – Katie, Megs, and the entire female half of North America – for your entire lives. You are the Sex and The City generation, and each of you is doing her best to live up the Carrie Bradshaw dream of youthful fun and sisterhood, eventually topped off by a grand marriage to the handsome, confident, wealthy Mr. Big who will eventually sweep you off your feet. Sometime in your late thirties.

And how’s that working out for you?

All the single ladies, put your hands up. Here’s a chart, courtesy of Katie, that you can probably relate to:


The guys you like won’t call, and the guys who call, you don’t like.

As time goes on, replace the word “call” with commit, settle down, and get married. But the experience remains the same. Why does life have to be so hard for the single 30-year-old woman? Dalrock has the answer. You want alpha:

“The good news is alphas are available if you are an attractive woman.  You can choose from one of the following empowering options:

  • Pump and dump
  • Short Term Relationship
  • Become a part of a PUA harem
  • Have an affair with a married Alpha.
  • Become one wife of several in a polygamous marriage.
  • Marry an alpha.

Lets start with the glorious pump and dump.  All you need to do is be on the lookout for the smoothest seeming guy in the world.  Actually, just dress appropriately and he will find you.  Don’t worry if he seems like the greatest guy in the world, who knows exactly how you are feeling and you have an amazing instant connection.  You might be concerned when this happens thinking, wait a minute, all I want is a pump and dump and this guy seems like the man of my dreams.  Not to worry.  Your pump and dump is all but assured.

Now on to the short term relationship with an alpha.  Actually your strategy should be the same as for a pump and dump, except you want to signal to him during the process that you are worth a relationship.  Go ahead and act as if you would be the best girlfriend in the world.  Most women err on the side of not signaling relationship potential enough to alphas, and get stuck in the pump and dump phase.

Becoming part of a PUA harem is easier than it sounds, which is good news for you!  Your best shot at joining this elite club is to fall madly in love with the PUA.  Aim for a LTR or even marriage in your mind (but don’t mention commitment).  You will know you are part of a harem when you feel like you are in a long term relationship with the man of your dreams.  Don’t worry about the lack of sign of other women.  Remember, he’s an alpha so it is guaranteed that he will be getting some on the side.  The more alpha he is, the better the chance is that you are part of a full fledged harem (which for strategic reasons you can’t see).

Having an affair with a married alpha is another great option.  Often times you can fall into this by accident by merely following the advice above.  If you want to jump-start the process, find a friend or coworker who is already having an affair with a married alpha and see if he can work you in.

Becoming a wife in a polygamous marriage is tougher in the US than the other options, simply because the law frowns upon this type of arrangement.  Joining a less formal harem is probably a better bet.  But if you really need absolute domination to find your tingle, you might consider emigrating to a country like Saudi Arabia.  I’m told there are plenty of alphas there ready to fulfill your needs.  As I understand it some areas of Utah can be a good place to find this kind of arrangement as well.

Marrying an alpha is the pinnacle of alpha chasing success.  Instead of being “the other woman”, you could be the one with the satisfaction of knowing he is having exotic affairs while remaining married to you.  This could be a point of pride for the whole family, your children included.  Very few women ever make it to this level, although many try.  For example, lets say you shoot for just a regular alpha, and not a lesser or super alpha.  By definition, his lifetime partner count is going to be between 100 and 500.  For simplicity’s sake, lets take the average of the two figures which comes out to 300 partners. Lets also assume that 1 in 5 of this level alpha actually marries.  This would mean roughly 1,500 women sleep with alphas for every one woman who marries one.  So chances are you will have to try lots of alphas before your number comes up.  However, this brings up another problem.  For an alpha (or greater beta for that matter) to see you as marriage worthy you will need to have a very low partner count.  So with that said, your best bet is probably to be extremely beautiful and try to marry an older alpha while you are young and inexperienced.  While the numbers are stacked against you, hopefully you can take solace at the other exciting and empowering ways to enjoy an alpha referenced in this post if your bid to marry an alpha turns unexpectedly into a pump and dump, harem participation, etc.

Now go out there and get your alpha, and report back on how it went!”

The men you like have options, so they don’t care enough to treat you well. The men who treat you well are excited to be dating you – probably because not many other women return their calls. So you’re caught choosing between two sets of guys: One who see themselves as out of your league, and another that you see as out of yours.

This is why there are no good men. It’s why you make pictures like this:


So what’s the solution?

Katie, (and Megs!) your standards are way, way too high. You can have cool, sexy guy, or you can have nice, thoughtful, commitment guy. You cannot have cool, sexy, nice, thoughtful commitment guy. He does not exist. Or at least, he is rare. And where he exists, he doesn’t marry sassy, potty-mouthed, argumentative, tricenarian tankgrrls.

You may think I’m being harsh. But my radical honesty will do you more good than the friends, Cosmo articles and pop culture icons who will happily lie to you for the remainder of your child-bearing years.

Girls (women!) in your late twenties and early thirties, here are your options:

1) Snip off the bottom 9/10ths of your husband checklist, and start looking closer at the chubby guys, the awkward guys, the guys with meh jobs. Find one you sort-of, kind-of click with, and marry him. You can have your fairytale wedding, grow old together, have a stable family, and be happy. Albeit, a little bored.

2) Snip off the bottom half of that checklist, and find a cool, decent guy who pushes a few of your buttons and seems interested in a family. Treat him well. (That’s a separate post entirely, but in brief: Men like sweet, feminine, genuine girls – sarcasm is the ultimate turnoff.) He will probably drag his feet on a big wedding, and you will probably have to swallow the occasional affair from him, but you’ll find it’s easier than you think.

3) Hold on to your list. Continue dating the 5% of guys who meet your criteria. But keep in mind that they also meet the criteria of every girl in the city, so he might not have time to see you more than once a week. Since you want children, resign yourself to single parenthood (but hurry up!), and find a suitable biological father your your legacy. Don’t expect much fatherly support – but sitters are cheap.

Note that each of these options requires making concessions. In her twenties, a woman is at the peak of her sexual power – the world is a dreamy paradise of men fawning, chasing, stepping over themselves for your attention.

But with the big three-oh just over the horizon, a woman needs to start asking hard questions: What do I really want in my life? What can I actually, realistically get? What trade-offs am I going to have to make between stability and excitement? This post is not about judging the choices Katie has to make. Just a freezing bucket of ice-cold reality: Choices exist. You can either have the man you want, or the type of relationship you want. But you can’t have it all.