Arnold Schwarzenegger For King

Not sure how to vote today, loyal American reader? Well rest easy friend, because you could certainly do a lot worse than handing over the tiny sliver of authority your decadent age has seen fit to grant the likes of you, and letting me make the decision on your behalf.

But this is the sort of endorsement that will require some build up, so let’s take a look at the two proper candidates.

First: Barack Obama. Who is this guy? I think future historians will have a lovely time trying to figure that out. My opinion is that he’s basically not that terrible of a guy. He’s just an ambitious, narcissistic and unprincipled shapeshifter, going with the flow and doing his best to maintain his own delusion that he is… whatever he thinks he is. Obama lets the Fabians running the DNC and media implement their creeping Marxism, the Fabians let Obama make speeches, play White House, and say to himself in the mirror every morning, “Yes, Barack Obama, you are the Hope and Change President. They love you Barack, they really, really love you.”

But why psychoanalyze? Given a second term, Barack Obama would continue at pace –  spending money America doesn’t have, stifling free enterprise, accelerating the ceding of the southwest to Latin America, starting a few new Middle Eastern wars that will almost certainly lead to new, hostile Islamic theocracies, increase the incentives for single motherhood and antisocial behaviour generally, make more progress towards criminalizing free speech and self-defence, implement more bureaucracy, more redistribution, and in general, offer us a slightly faster descent into the bowels of hell. Four more years! Four more years!

So there’s my endorsement, folks. If you believe, as I sometimes do, that the sooner we begin our descent, the softer the landing will be, I recommend a vote for the incumbent. I’m also curious how a second term will play out. America was once a strong country. Can it survive a full decade of Hope and Change? If Nate Silver is right, looks like we’ll soon see.

But how much fun would a Romney victory be?

Here’s the really weird thing about Mitt Romney. I think he really, truly, genuinely believes in America. He believes that, sure things look dark now, but check the box next to his name on election day and by gosh, it’ll be morning in America all over again. It will take some hard work, of course, but the America Project, the beacon of light, the city on the hill – it’s still salvageable, according to Mitt.

Is there pride in his heart? Self interest? Of course. But my read on Romney is that his only major flaw is his naïveté, and his ill-placed faith in the ability of the heavily listing American ship of state to right itself. He is, in other words, the perfect Outer Party shadow opposition candidate. If he wins, the next four years will follow the well-worn script of vaguely right-wing leaders in the late western democracies – a general continuation of the march towards the abyss, sprinkled with some mild and transient reaction, in a few areas deemed priorities, a la Nixon, Thatcher and Reagan.

But perhaps, dear reader, you lack my cynical, hopeless resignation to the decline of western civilization. Perhaps you would like to approach politics with a higher goal than maximizing your daily enjoyment of the increasingly bizarre and untethered mainstream media. Maybe, just maybe, you – like Mittens – still believe that America is a great country, full of great people, who don’t deserve to have to boil their shoe leather for soup in the coming decades.

If this is the case, I have an idea.

I propose that the United States of America give complete and permanent authority to Arnold Schwarzenegger. I propose that we dissolve The Senate, Congress, POTUS, Judiciary, Civil Service, and their state and municipal counterparts immediately and unequivocally cede absolute power to the Governator.

Friends, America needs a King. I will not belabour this point here. Either you’ve read your Moldbug (start here) and the primary sources therein, and you’re equipped to have a serious conversation about political theory and present history, or you haven’t and you aren’t.

The question is: How do we go about choosing a King? I contend that no man alive today is better suited for the position than Ah-nold.

Have you read the man’s life story? It’s an interesting one. I highly recommend Education of a Bodybuilder, Pumping Iron, and (though I haven’t yet read it) his new autobiography.

Several things jump out at the student of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. The first and most prominent is his sheer force of will. As a teenager, Arnold decided he was going to become the greatest bodybuilder of all time. He did it. Then he decided he was going to become a movie star. He did it. Next, he chose politics. He rose to the governorship of the union’s largest and most interesting state. Not only that, he made an excellent attempt at providing the undeserving sunshine state with sane, fiscally responsible government. Arnold’s political career could have been a much smoother ride, were it not for the noblesse oblige he apparently believed came with his power.

In a world full of weak, mincing, cowardly men, Arnold Schwarzenegger is one of the few remaining exemplars of masculine energy, ambition, and nobility. He is truly the Last Action Hero.

Some will complain that Arnold should not be King, because he is not an American. Yes, the modern conservative-cum-reactionary may soon admit, America needs a King. But America is the greatest country on earth, and it’s only fitting that she is ruled by an American King, not some friggin Austrian musclehead with a funny accent.

But this is actually Arnold’s greatest asset as a potential and future ruler.

America has failed. The American Dream was not a good one that turned bad. The American Nation was not a fundamentally good one that picked up a rotten streak. No. America – the political formula, the ruling ideology, and the vast majority of the historical ruling elite – were all crooked from the start. The American people, though fine and decent in many ways, have always had the opportunity to organize themselves, overthrow their sham-kings, and assert grown-up governance on their country.

What America needs today is not pride. It does not need to rediscover the go-getting attitude that made ‘Murrica great, back in the good old days. What America needs today is humility. America – the ruling elite, the people, the intellectuals – must accept that they have failed. They must repent. And to make sure it sticks, they need to demonstrate their newfound humility with a great act of contrition: They must hand over their country to an outsider, albeit one who has always loved the country and personally embodied the best of what virtue it has.

King Arnold is my favourite solution to the deepening rut America presently finds herself in, but I have others. A breakup into fifty independent states is a fine idea. The submission of the Pacific Northwest and New England to Canada, the Southwest to Mexico, and the South to some sort of (hopefully slave-free) Confederacy 2.0, would also do the trick. Maybe the Russians can get Alaska back. Jacobitism doesn’t appear to be catching on, but one never knows. The bottom line is this:

Americans must forfeit the illusion that they have in any way earned the right to govern themselves. The American people have demonstrated time and again that they are not worthy of self-governance. History and Geography have bequeathed America the world, and they have all but burnt it to the ground.

It’s time for a change. It’s time for unconventional solutions. America may look like its going to exist forever in its present form, but history suggests that all great empires must come to an end. It’s time for some heroes to step up.